Fight for Life and Live

Hi!

Well, it's been a while, hasn't it?! Almost 2 months since I blogged last, and I am so ashamed of that for a multitude of reasons. The thing is, life just sometimes gets in the way and recently a lot of "life" has happened. My beautiful Mummy was taken seriously ill, and as she doesn't live close to me a lot of two-ing and fro-ing has ensued. She's got a long journey of recovery ahead of her, but hopefully she's on the mend. My own health hasn't been fantastic, I'm having trouble with my eyes and earlier in the year I had two miscarriages within the space of 4 months, which was painful both physically and emotionally. We also lost our lovely cat George, who had been our furbaby for almost 10 years. Mr NN has had work trouble and was made unemployed (again), leaving us with no car and uncertainty over a lot of things. He's working now, but only agency work, which is never reliable and could end any day. The end of term was busy for me and my boys, and now they're on their summer holidays and running me ragged. We were planning a house move, which fell through at the last minute and was very stressful and upsetting. As a result of that, we decided to do some decorating and rearranging of the house we're in, which honestly was just as stressful! All of this sounds like excuses, right? I wont blog tonight, I'm too worried about Mum/ stressed about money/ tired from painting. But it all contributed to me feeling just too overwhelmed to take anything else on, or some days to even function enough to get dressed. Which is why today seemed like a fitting time to break the silence and make an effort to blog.

I've posted about depression and how it's affected me and my family before (you can read about it here), and recently I just can't keep the black dogs from creeping in closer. And I don't know what to do to make myself feel better. Nothing I do is going to lift this heavyness from my chest for now. It's there, it's real and it's bloody scary. Sometimes, when I feel like this I get obsessive about not feeling adequate. I've still been painting my nails, stamping, glittering and nail art-ing them, but feeling like the final result hasn't been good enough to post. And when they were good enough, the photos didn't come out well, when I even bothered to photograph them at all. But of course they're good enough (some of my photos have been cringeworthy and I still posted those!) It's just, in my mind, I'm not good enough. I'm the same with other things in my life. Food, make-up, my house. If it's not perfect I give up, binge eat, ignore the mess, hide away. But I enjoy blogging and the community surrounding it. I know my nails aren't perfect, that I don't photoshop my mistakes, I'm an honest blogger. It shouldn't be a stressful thing.

So, I'm going to make an attempt to get my blogging mojo back. I'm not putting too much pressure on myself, and I certainly wont be posting everyday or pushing myself to be perfect. I am what I am and it's about getting me to accept me. Any additional support is just a bonus.

The death and apparent suicide of Robin Williams on Monday hit me hard. I grew up watching Mork and Mindy, and I don't know anyone who could honestly say Mrs Doubtfire isn't one of their favourite films. It came as a shock to many that a comic genius could suffer so badly from depression that he would take his own life, but it just goes to show that these black dogs come in many shapes and sizes, and they don't discriminate. Whatever form it takes, if you even suspect that you're suffering, tell someone. No one is going to laugh, or tell you just t cheer up and get over it. Depression is real, and there are so many things you can do about it.

My green mani in support of depression awareness comes in the form of Picture Polish Tail Feather, which embodies so many of my favourite things - mint green, sparkles, peacocks and one of my favourite bloggers, Kayla Shevonne. Peacocks for me have huge connotations. Many people see them as bad omens, because of the eyes on their tail feathers, and because they have strong stomachs and can eat things that would poison other birds. But to me, this epitomizes strength, and only adds to their beauty. It reminds me to be proud of myself, that I am strong and beautiful despite, or even because of, my imperfections. I even have a peacock feather tattoo, a permanent reminder to just be me.

I hope I didn't ramble too much, and I hope to be able to post again sometime this week. Please have a look at everyone else's beautiful green manis - but if you only look at one please make it Debbie's over at The Crumpet. It's so beautifully written it made me cry.

Hx

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